Ficlet: Been Five Years (an On Life and Living snippet)

[wesleysgirl]

A little snippet from the On Life and Living 'verse, written to cheer up beadattitude. John/Rodney, PG-13, 597 words.



It's the fifth anniversary of Elizabeth's death, and the fact that it doesn't get any easier is making John want to yell, or maybe break things. It seems particularly cruel that she died in late spring, when the trees were in bloom and the flowers were bright dots of color in the yard. Oh, fuck it, it all seems cruel -- that she'll never get to see Kayla grow up. That Kayla has to grow up without her.

He's shitty to Rodney for days beforehand, which makes him feel even worse, but he can't seem to stop himself. Even Kayla's looking at him funny -- the date doesn't mean anything to her, and he's grateful for that, at least. Things are bad enough without her being miserable.

"What is your problem?" Rodney finally asks, exasperated, after John snaps at him for the thousandth time.

"Nothing," John mutters.

"Excuse me? Nothing? How stupid do you think I am?" Rodney strips off his t-shirt and throws it toward the laundry. Misses. He turns and glares at John, who's getting ready for bed, too.

"I don't think you're stupid." It's an attempt to ward off the conversation John knows is coming but for some reason keeps hoping he can put off. There's part of him that thinks if can just stall long enough, maybe this dark cloud will pass and things will be okay again.

"Really? Because you could have fooled me. You've been impossible to live with for the past week, you aren't sleeping or eating, and you can't keep pretending everything's fine. Do you want to split up? Is that it?"

John gapes at Rodney. "No. No!"

"Oh. Well, good." Rodney sounds relieved for a few seconds, then frowns again. "Then what? Just tell me." More gently, "Tell me."

And all of it -- the sleepless nights, the despair and sorrow and anger -- rises up, overwhelming him. John raises a hand to his mouth and wobbles on his feet. He thinks, briefly, that he's going to pass out.

Rodney gives a startled squawk and jumps for him, gets both arms around him and sits him on the side of the bed. "John? John? Oh God. Should I call an ambulance? Are you sick?"

"No," he manages, burying his face in Rodney's neck and holding on for all he's worth. "I'm not -- it's just --" He's shaking and Rodney's arms are the only thing keeping him from flying apart. "It's been five years."

"Five years?" Rodney sounds puzzled and worried. "Five years since... oh. Oh.. God, why didn't you say something?"

"Wouldn't change anything," John says.

"Well, at least I'd understand why you've been acting like an asshole," Rodney says. His big hand slides up to the back of John's neck. "Are you okay? I mean, no, obviously not okay, but you're not going to faint or throw up or anything?"

John smiles faintly. "No. Don't think so."

"Okay." Rodney hugs him more tightly. "God, John, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I'd give anything for it not to hurt you anymore."

That's worth more than Rodney knows. "I'll be okay," John says. "I'll try not to be such a jerk."

"Well, now that I know what's going on, I won't mind so much when you are," Rodney says. "It's not like I don't have my moments."

"True." Somehow, weirdly, that makes John feel better, and he relaxes a little bit and breathes with Rodney, in, out, until he feels less crazy.

Less crazy is good, even if it's not going to bring Elizabeth back. It's a long road, life, but at least, John thinks, he doesn't have to walk it alone.

Comments

[kimberlyfdr.livejournal.com]

\o/

I've said it many times...I love love love this universe!

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Thank you! *Hugs*

[studiesinlight.livejournal.com]

I'm at work and cannot read this yet, but oh! what delight to know it is here, waiting to be read!

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

*Hugs* I hope you get to read it sooner or later! :-)

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Oops! You did. LOL. *Should read all comments before replying*

[studiesinlight.livejournal.com]

:-) I thought about deleting the initial comment, when I posted the later comment. Probably I should have gone with that impulse.

Thanks again.

[bluflamingo.livejournal.com]

Oh John. This makes my heart hurt for him.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

I know! Thank goodness for Rodney.

[artemis-prime.livejournal.com]

You always bring a smile to my face when you add more to this universe. I adore it so much! I'd love for you to write longer additions. Please? :) A nice little snippet at John's continued sorrow over losing his wife.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Thank you! It could happen, although I make no promises.

[xylohypha.livejournal.com]

This 'verse always makes me feel good. I really love how Rodney can be pissy the way only Rodney can be--and John can be uncommunicative in the way he excels at--and they love each other through it all.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Rodney's the king of being pissy, that's for sure! It's a good thing he has a good heart underneath it all. Thank you!

"he doesn't have to walk it alone"

[studiesinlight.livejournal.com]

I am very fond of your stories in this series. I should be quite boggled that I am so, as it's so far out of my element on the one hand, if it weren't so precisely my element on the other hand. I enjoy visiting this universe you share. Bittersweet is a happy life.

>"and the fact that it doesn't get any easier is making John want to yell, or maybe break things."

Yes. It seems like we should earn the easier, doesn't it? But when easing comes, it comes most often by surprise, not when we're fighting hardest for it.

>"the date doesn't mean anything to her, and he's grateful for that, at least."

This tidbit cuts to the quick of how alone and how responsible John feels in this. It's graceful and carries weight in this small piece. It brings in Kayla in her own right, without stretching the scene.

(It also punches my reading with very personal resonance, as these stories often do. Sometimes, I want to know the date my mom died -- I remember that day, but not its date -- and I just don't dare ask my dad.)

>"I'd give anything for it not to hurt you anymore."

You think so now, Rodney, and you mean it well, but no, you probably wouldn't, actually. For it to stop hurting this John entirely, forever, on every level, he would have to -- terrifyingly to this Rodney, who saw his mother go as she did -- forget.

>"Less crazy is good"

Less crazy is enough. Charming vignette. Thank you for sharing!

Re: "he doesn't have to walk it alone"

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

You really do write the best feedback. *Hugs*

(It also punches my reading with very personal resonance, as these stories often do. Sometimes, I want to know the date my mom died -- I remember that day, but not its date -- and I just don't dare ask my dad.)

That must be so, so hard, it's really difficult to properly imagine how hard. I don't know whether to be glad that I got it right, or sorry -- I think I'm both. I'm sorry anyone has to go through losing a parent at a young age.

Thank you. *More hugs*

[elizaria.livejournal.com]

This was wonderful. I love seeing more of this 'verse :)

Thanks for sharing it

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :-)

[katestamps.livejournal.com]

*squishes the boys in all their pissy glory* As someone said earlier, I adore the fact that they snark and snarl and crank at each other and yet still love each other anyway because that's what people in love do. Wonderful.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I love that Rodney's so awful sometimes, LOL, it amuses me like few other things do. I love writing him in this series and discovering all the horrible things he's going to say. :-)

[helene94.livejournal.com]

I love this series beyond the telling of it! Every new little snippet gives me a huge happy. Thank you so much!

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :-)

[lil-coyote.livejournal.com]

This is a great set of stories and part of the reason I found a liking for this pair. =] When someone asks me to rec to them because they haven't read any yet, I tell them to start with this set and the Farm in Iowa stories from sheafrotherdon.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! I'm totally honored that you'd mention my stories along with sheafrotherdon's, hers pretty much leave mine in the dust. :-)

Been Five Years (an On Life and Living snippet)

[sgafan33.livejournal.com]

Oh, hey. I didn't know your wrote another bit for this series. I was just going though my memories to categorize them better, but I had to stop and read your stories again. And then I discovered this latest snippit. Thanks for adding another look into this wonderful world you created.

Re: Been Five Years (an On Life and Living snippet)

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you! I'm glad you found this one even though it's pretty short. *Hugs*

[beadattitude.livejournal.com]

Just reread the whole thing because I was thinking about how sweetly sexy that first kiss is and just...kept going. It's four in the morning. And the last story is mine. Just so amazing.

Love you, hon.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you like the stories! It's always lovely to go back and re-read something that makes you feel happy. *Hugs and loves*

[chris-king-2005.livejournal.com]

*sighing happily*

Hi there! I just read this again (it was recc-ed in one of the coms recently) and loved it every bit as much the second time as the first.

This time? I'm bookmarking it.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Oh, yay! Thank you so much. I'm so pleased you liked it.