Spn Ficlet: "Obstacles"
May. 8th, 2009 08:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wesleysgirlSupernatural ficlet, Sam with hints of Sam/Dean, R, 267 words. No spoilers, set pre-series.
Part of the problem is, Sam's too smart for his own good.
Smart people -- the ones who are lucky -- can fool themselves, sometimes, he figures. It's possible to be smart intellectually without having any emotional insight into their own actions. Someone else might be able to avoid realizing that his burning desire to be normal, to have a normal life, comes from someplace even deeper than his memories of being a kid who knew that monsters were all too real.
Another part of the problem is that, as it turns out, Sam is attracted to men.
Thank God he's attracted to women, too, because he's not sure his psyche could handle being a six on the Kinsey scale. It makes things easier when he's able to look at a beautiful woman and feel his body stir in response; so much easier to pretend that he's just like everybody else at Stanford. (Well, not everybody else, because there are plenty of gay guys and lesbian women at Stanford just like there are everywhere else, Sam thinks.) When things with Jessica go from casual flirting to something more serious, it's like the whole world lights up for Sam. It's taken years, but he's done it.
He has a normal life.
It's only because he's so damned smart that he knows the reason he feels like he's walking around with a stone the size of a fist in his gut, aching and always, always there, is because it's so much more complicated than going to college and having a girlfriend.
Because the rest of the problem is, Sam's in love with Dean.
Part of the problem is, Sam's too smart for his own good.
Smart people -- the ones who are lucky -- can fool themselves, sometimes, he figures. It's possible to be smart intellectually without having any emotional insight into their own actions. Someone else might be able to avoid realizing that his burning desire to be normal, to have a normal life, comes from someplace even deeper than his memories of being a kid who knew that monsters were all too real.
Another part of the problem is that, as it turns out, Sam is attracted to men.
Thank God he's attracted to women, too, because he's not sure his psyche could handle being a six on the Kinsey scale. It makes things easier when he's able to look at a beautiful woman and feel his body stir in response; so much easier to pretend that he's just like everybody else at Stanford. (Well, not everybody else, because there are plenty of gay guys and lesbian women at Stanford just like there are everywhere else, Sam thinks.) When things with Jessica go from casual flirting to something more serious, it's like the whole world lights up for Sam. It's taken years, but he's done it.
He has a normal life.
It's only because he's so damned smart that he knows the reason he feels like he's walking around with a stone the size of a fist in his gut, aching and always, always there, is because it's so much more complicated than going to college and having a girlfriend.
Because the rest of the problem is, Sam's in love with Dean.
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Date: 2009-05-08 01:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-08 01:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-08 01:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-08 01:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-08 02:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-08 09:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-08 03:24 pm (UTC)*pets him*
I hate that longing to be 'normal' - it's so arbitrary, so impossible.
*sniffle*
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Date: 2009-05-08 09:15 pm (UTC)so Sam. *Sigh*
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Date: 2009-05-08 03:34 pm (UTC)Oh boys. *lays down*
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Date: 2009-05-08 09:14 pm (UTC)*Hugs you*
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Date: 2009-05-09 12:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-10 01:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-15 03:09 am (UTC)LOVE. ow, but LOVE.
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Date: 2009-05-15 11:21 pm (UTC)