Thinky thoughts: Why I'm Afraid of New Fandoms

[wesleysgirl]

(I know, from me. Try not to faint.)

Jossverse -- Buffy and Angel -- was my first fandom, my first real fandom. I still love the shows so, so much, and the characters, and it didn't surprise me at all when I fell in love because I'd been in love with other shows, before. I'd "just" never had relationships with other people who also loved them with the same burning, shocking passion.

I watched X-Files starting some time partly through S1. The first episode Mr WG and I saw was the one with the Jersey Devil, in which there's a line something like "Primates have an instinctive fear of heights." Seriously? Monkeys? Are afraid of heights? We still repeat that line to each other occasionally when in need of a good laugh. But we got really into the show, and watched it every week. We even chose the DJ for our wedding because he was an X-Files fan. (Yes, really.) But while I was a huge FAN of the show -- "Fight the Future" was the first movie I ever saw in the theater by myself, because I couldn't wait until that night when we were going with friends -- I still didn't even know about fandom.

At some point, I discovered fanfic, and I read a ton of X-Files fic. I even started writing one (in a notebook, still kicking around somewhere). But I didn't TALK to other fans. I don't think I ever even sent feedback.

It wasn't until the summer before S5 of Buffy aired, and I happened to catch "Hush" as a re-run, that I discovered Buffy and Angel. I was, of course, instantly fascinated, and immediately borrowed and mainlined about 20 tapes (episodes of both Buffy and Angel, all unlabeled and out of order) in a week and a half. I started watching the shows as they aired, then byrne, who I knew from elsewhere on the internet, wrote some Spike/Xander and got an LJ and it was all over, LOL.

Anyway. Finding Jossverse fandom was like coming home. It was the first place I ever felt like my obsession with TV characters didn't make me a freak -- or at least it was reassuring to know that there were so many other freaks -- and for years I couldn't even IMAGINE being involved in another fandom. When the last episode of Buffy aired, I watched it on my own because I knew I was going to cry through the entire thing. When Angel was canceled, I was devastated. When the last episode aired, I felt sick. It was partially because I wasn't going to get new shows, sure, but it was mostly because this thing, this amazing phenomenon, was ending. And I'm still not over it.

Fans have moved on. Heck, I've moved on, although I still consider myself to have one foot in Jossverse and the other out in the world of other fandoms. But I think I'm a little scared to throw myself wholly into ONE fandom again, because that just gives it so much more power to hurt me. It's stupid. I know it's stupid. But I can't help it. It feels like, as long as I haven't really devoted myself to one show, I'm safer. I write fic, and I read fic, but for the most part I keep my distance from the fandom part of fandom -- if I don't know what's going on in the kerfuffles, if I'm not involved, I'm safe. I don't have to take sides or try to protect my friends from being hurt.

I'm watching Supernatural and Atlantis and Torchwood and loving all of them. But something's missing, and it's not the shows. It's me.

I'm just not sure how to fix it.

Okay, this session of thinking-while-typing is now at an end. Please exit the car on the right hand side. :-P

Comments

[kurukami.livejournal.com]

See, I don't think that's all that unusual -- to keep at a distance from the fannish fandomosity of fandom, that is. It's like falling desperately in love with something or someone and then having that suddenly be gone from your life; you're bound to be a touch more careful about being willing to risk that depth of emotion again.

My first Jossverse show was, I admit, Firefly. I'd seen the Buffy movie when it hit theaters while I was in high school, then heard it was being developed into a TV show. I caught parts of eps, but wasn't really hooked until Firefly, when I followed the development of shows from Firefly through Angel and back into Buffy.

And then, of course, Firefly got cancelled.

Part of it, I think, is just maturing -- one's heartfelt adoration of a particular thing mellow into the greater experience of middle age, less willing to risk getting burned by stepping close to the fire of fandom. Fandom can warm, can leave you exhilirated and sweaty and glowing... but it can also leave you with a nasty burn.

Aaaaaaand now you've got me rambling. But I do know I've not quite felt the same desperate affection for shows since Firefly. Network execs have disappointed me too many times, and the fandom mainstream that united behind Buffy has fractured into a dozen or more major movements, each with their own loves and foci.

[wesleysgirl.livejournal.com]

Firefly died WAY before it's time. It's very unfair. I mean, Angel could have used another season at least, but Firefly getting canceled was totally tragic and uncool.